Sydney Avey
Dynamic Woman — Changing Times
Raw Emotions: Wearing Your Heart on Your Sleeve
Raw emotions behave like unruly children who burst into anguished howls of disbelief, sadness, and anger when they feel deprived. As children, we find unbearable the injustice of being denied what we rightly cherish–parental attention, a coveted toy, or an experience we were counting on to bring us joy. When we mature, we learn to suppress our outrage and employ patience and understanding. Then something happens. Someone close to us dies. We haven’t been thwarted, we’ve been mugged and left in a ditch.
Death is the deepest deprivation of all. Suppressing our outrage doesn’t work because suppressing grief, the rawest of emotions, encourages despondency, a long-term depression of the spirit.
Grief is a miry clay. We feel stuck in place. Grief is a ball and chain that weights us down and prevents us from moving freely. We don’t want to inflict our grief on others, so we try to put on a pleasant face when what we really want to do is crawl under a bush like an injured dog and lick our wounds.
I find myself wanting to be alone with my grief, even when I am in the midst of others. I think the historical practice of wearing a black armband to indicate a state of mourning is not such a bad idea. It’s a circle of protection that allows us to feel what we feel without the need to offer explanations.
Victorian women wore black to signify spiritual darkness. How true. My spiritual light has dimmed. It is not of danger of going out, but for the time being, there are praise songs I cannot sing. I can affirm what I do not feel in my head, but I cannot sing it with all my heart. My heart is broken. It will heal, but it needs time.
Although I don’t want to break connections, I would like to slip out of my chair and leave a cardboard self to save my place, as if to say, “Don’t forget me. I’ll be back.”
God bless you in your grief, Sydney. My heart hurts for you.
He does. Thank you, Barb. Hope things cool down for you in Arizona soon!
Thank you for sharing these inner most thoughts. I will forward them on to my brother. May the blessings of our dear God surround you!
Elaine, I am praying for your family. Such sadness.
It’s brave of you to peel back this layer of your soul and the ache that lives there. Thank you.
So good to see you in Oregon last week Jenni. It was hard to be there, but rewarding too. Hope to see you at our ACFW meeting in September (or at retreat at my house, if you can make it).
Sydney – You and your family continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for baring your soul – grief as a “miry clay” is an apt description. My dear friend and former pastor Bradley once said this is why we need community – when we cannot believe, when we are consumed with grief or anguish or doubt – when we cannot pray, the community does so on our behalf. Sighs too deep for words… hugs
Susie, your prayers are balm. Thank you.
Knowing he carries the weight of your grief with you is such a comfort
Rest your heavy heart on his sleeve
Thank you, Mary. A good visualization. I’m enjoying your photos of Paris. With all the walking you are doing, you’ll be ready for the trail. You are my Girl Wonder.