Sydney Avey
Dynamic Woman — Changing Times
Assisted Living: Tough conversations
Once you decide that someone you love and feel responsible for requires assisted living, you are in for a tough conversation. All previous conversations have been theoretical. This conversation will be highly emotional.
Even if your relationship is one of love and respect, you will likely encounter resistance in the form of silence, tears, anger, and accusations (not necessarily directed at you, but it is human nature to cast about for someone to blame.) When she wasn’t feeling confused and scared, grandma felt happy and secure in her apartment, surrounded by friends and neighbors. She looked out her window and saw the church her grandfather helped build, right next to the park where musicians gather every evening to play gospel and bluegrass. “Tell me this,” she asked, “why do I have to move?”
We reminded her that she had had a fall. We pointed out that she was no longer able to get to the store, or the doctor, or the senior center. We expressed our concern that she wasn’t taking her medication and our fears for her safety. We did not use the word “cognitive impairment” or confront her directly with the truth. She was no longer able to manage her life.
Here are some thoughts to help you through the conversation.
Expect that it will be painful for both of you. You are ripping away her choice. No amount of cognitive impairment will mask that fact. Even my Dad, who was deep into Alzheimer’s when we took him out of his home of fifty years, understood this. The morning we moved him, he hung his head over his untouched breakfast and muttered, “This is a dirty business.” I could not agree more.
You have to go through causing pain and feeling pain to get to the other side. The alternative is unthinkable.
Remain firm in your resolve. Don’t second guess yourself. You’ve prayed, searched your soul, consulted others who have her best interests at heart, and your head tells you this is the right decision. It will take your heart awhile to catch up. Let grandma have her say. You likely can’t talk her into agreement but at some point she will acquiesce.
“I don’t want to move,” grandma said, “but if this is what you want, I will do it for you.”
“Thank you,” we said.
Adjust how you talk to fit grandma’s state of mind. People with cognitive impairment wander in and out of lucidity. Have tough conversations early in the day, when grandma is rested and more able to reason. Don’t be surprised when she becomes less reasonable at the end of the day.
When we showed up in her room the morning after we moved her, grandma had been busy the night before. She had taken all her clothes out of her drawers and closets and repacked them in her suitcases.
“Are you running away?” I asked.
“I’m moving,” she said, avoiding my eyes.
“Where are you moving?”
“You told me I was moving.”
“You already moved. You live here now.”
End of conversation. My husband took her out for ice cream. I put her clothes back in the drawers and closet and put her suitcases in storage. By the next day, she had settled in and told us she was happy. Now, we can hardly reach her on the phone. She is always out of her room, off somewhere with the other residents, people she remembers from grade school. They have 91 years of catching up to do.
Other conversations
My friend Linda sat beside me in church this morning and told me about her parents, who are in decline. “I got the most beautiful email from my sister,” she said. She gave me permission to share.
Hi,
Thank you for your email. I am sorry for what they are going through!!!!
Yes we are just passing through this life.
We were created for someone. (Jesus)
And for someplace. (Heaven)
and we will all soon be seeing what we have been believing as believers all this time.
God is closely watching them ( and all of us).
He is closer then we can even imagine with our human minds.
We all have a time to be born and a time to die.
God has everything under control.
Yet we will praise Him!!!
I will keep them and all of you in my prayers!!
I love you both!
love, sissy ❤
When all is said and done it is our connections, the love we receive and give, that sustain us; even as the connections in our wiring weaken and fail, love remains.
photo credit: forayinto35mm via photopin cc
Related blog: Assisted Living: When it’s time
These thoughts need to be published! Good solid advice. Among the things I wish I had known!
I am actually thinking about that Pam. I made a lot of mistakes when I went through this the first time with mom and pop. Each situation is different but I definitely applied what I learned from my first experience and things went a lot easier. I’ll include a checklist in an upcoming blog.
The different levels of perceptive capability in “seeing” what is actually taking place makes it so complicated. Not only must you face the inconsistent and failing trends of your aged loved ones and their inability to perceive their own declining mental state but the discrepancies in other family members in understanding or accepting the reality of what is truly taking place makes it excruciatingly difficult. I wish I could say that I am able to deal with it in a loving, Christian approach always. I fail, get angry, repent and search for where I went wrong and how I can work to set the process on a better course.
So true Ken. Whatever dysfunction exists in a family will come out during the most stressful times. I’m going to do another blog on what a faith builder these experiences prove to be! Your process is spot on.